Why I Blamed Myself for My Ex’s Suicide (and Why It’s Not My Fault)

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“No quantity of guilt can change the previous and no quantity of worrying can change the longer term.” ~Umar Ibn Al Khattab

I don’t keep in mind the precise day the message got here by means of. It was from my son, Julian, and he wanted to speak to me. It sounded fairly severe. He by no means actually wants to speak to me.

His father was discovered lifeless earlier that week. He’d hung himself.

Whereas this information hardly affected Julian in any respect, it hit me like a ton of bricks, and I cried.

Our Marriage

We met in a taxi thirty-three years in the past. He was the driving force, I used to be a drunk passenger. He was tremendous good-looking and flirty. He introduced me house, and we exchanged numbers and immediately started a relationship.

Inside six months of relationship, I came upon I used to be pregnant. Since I didn’t need to be an unwed mom, we had been married inside a month and started our lives. We each had good jobs. I labored at a financial institution, he was an HVAC technician. Life was fairly good at first.

Then his job took us to a special metropolis. We moved and for the primary time in my life, I used to be alone with no associates and no household. I used to be twenty-six years outdated. Our marriage was okay, and we received alongside nicely.

About six months after we moved to this new metropolis, he began coming house later and later from work, some nights not till 2am. He all the time instructed me he needed to work late. I believed him. He was on name loads. I used to be house alone loads.

Just a few months later I made the choice to return to our hometown. He was to discover a job there, which wouldn’t be laborious. I didn’t need to be alone on this huge metropolis anymore, and I used to be nearly to provide beginning. I needed my household round.

Life After Our Transfer

We stayed at my mother and father’ home once we returned, and inside a month had discovered our personal condominium.

He discovered a job nearly immediately, and I delivered Julian two days after we received house. Life was going nicely.

A few 12 months into our lives with the child, issues began to get dangerous. He was out “working late” an terrible lot. He would come house round two or three within the morning, smelling of alcohol. By the point Julian was eighteen months I had had sufficient and requested him to go away. This wasn’t the life I needed for my son.

He moved out and for the following six months, my life was a residing hell. He would come over drunk at night time, pressure intercourse on me, threaten to take my child away from me, threaten to kill us each. He threatened me nearly every day. Many nights I’d keep at a pal’s home simply to really feel secure. Many occasions the police had been referred to as.

He lastly moved out of province, and it was years earlier than we heard from him once more.

The Divorce Settlement

The day had come to file for divorce and put this entire marriage nightmare behind me. I filed for sole custody with no visitation allowed to him. He was unstable, harmful, and violent, and I used to be not taking any probabilities with my son. The truth that he lived far sufficient away was my saving grace.

Additionally said within the divorce settlement was no little one assist funds. I needed to utterly reduce all ties with this man. So I did simply that.

Twelve Years Later

It might have been longer, perhaps 13 or fourteen years later, we acquired a bundle from him by way of his brother. It was despatched to Julian. An image of himself and a silver chain with a St. Christopher pendant.

It meant nothing to Julian. He didn’t even know who this individual was. I questioned his gesture. Was he making an attempt to make amends? Was he making an attempt to show that perhaps he’d modified and he needed to start out a relationship along with his son?

I by no means received the reply to any of these questions. He by no means reached out once more after that.

When my son moved away to college, he lived solely a few hours away from his father. He made an try by means of his uncle to perhaps meet up along with his dad, however his dad wasn’t and declined the supply.

And life merely carried on.

From time to time, all through the years, Julian’s uncle would replace us on what his father was doing and the way he was doing. It appeared alcohol and melancholy had been main elements of his life.

I couldn’t assist however really feel answerable for this.

Was he depressed as a result of I took his solely little one away from him? Was this my fault? At any time when we received one other replace, I simply felt responsible. Did I do that to him?

The Name

After I received the decision, I used to be in full shock. I had no concept his melancholy was that dangerous. How would I’ve identified? Have been there different components that performed a component in his suicide? Or was it simply years of anguish realizing he had a son who was by no means part of his life… due to me?

Might this have been prevented if his son had been part of his life? Did I do that??

I cried for every week. I had by no means felt a lot sorrow, and guilt. SO a lot guilt. Was I answerable for somebody’s suicide?

Coping with My Grief and Guilt

It took me some time to wrap my head round his suicide. It additionally took me some time to persuade myself I used to be not answerable for it, nor ought to I really feel responsible about it. I didn’t speak to anybody about this. Nobody would perceive my emotions, and so they had been laborious to clarify.

I noticed, although, that he had been battling demons that had nothing to do with me. I made your best option for my son, and that was a very powerful factor to me.

He had made his decisions as nicely. And I had nothing to do with them. Me not permitting him any visitation to his son was a results of his actions and decisions. He selected his habits. Not me. I selected to not have his habits harm my little one.

I needed to speak myself by means of that. It’s not your fault, Iva. He may have chosen to alter his life, enhance his life, attain out to his son extra usually, something. And he selected to not.

It’s not your fault, Iva.

There’s a tiny a part of me inside that needs issues would have been totally different. If solely he received assist for his melancholy and alcoholism. If solely he may have been part of Julian’s life. If solely he may have tried to assist himself.

I’m sorry his life ended so tragically. I’ll all the time really feel sorry for that. However I gained’t really feel responsible about it anymore.

It’s Not Our Fault

It’s really easy to take accountability for a beloved one’s suicide, particularly once you set a tough boundary in your personal well-being. “If solely I had carried out this or carried out that” or “if solely I might haven’t carried out that,” however the actuality is, it’s not our fault.

We’re not accountable for how individuals assume, act, react, or stay their lives. We will solely management our personal lives. What individuals do with their very own life is out of our palms. We will supply them instruments and assist, nevertheless it’s as much as them to simply accept it and/or use it.

In the event that they don’t, that’s not our fault both. It’s straightforward to assume that we must always have/may have carried out extra, however we did as a lot as we may. The remainder was as much as them.



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