7 Issues Girls Secretly Say About Males in Remedy (E36)


7 secrets women men therapy

What ladies say about males in remedy

Have you ever ever questioned what ladies say about males in remedy? What do they inform their counselor that they aren’t telling you? Are there any frequent themes?

In case you are interested in this matter, you’ve come to the appropriate place. On this episode of the Males’s Self-Assist Podcast, Dr. John takes a deep dive into seven frequent subjects that ladies carry up about males within the counseling workplace.

Some issues would possibly strike you as frequent sense. Different subjects would possibly shock you. As a part of this present, you’ll additionally hear from a person who’s uninterested in being rejected on the courting apps and is on the lookout for steerage.

Widespread takeaways from present

  • Subjects ladies carry up in counseling
  • Why ladies like males who’ve targets
  • How having a function is a turn-on
  • The significance of self-care

Sources Talked about

BLOCK B: 7 issues ladies say in remedy about males

One of many issues I rapidly discovered in my work as a therapist is how steadily points like courting and romance come up within the counseling workplace.

Certain, folks would possibly name you for assist with nervousness and melancholy, however sooner or later, points like love and romance pop up as a result of they’re so linked to love – if that is sensible.

And that is true for single of us or for folks already in concerned with somebody, like a wedding.

It was only a few weeks in the past that one in every of my feminine sufferers shared with me her frustrations with courting. As I jotted down her considerations, it dawned on me that her record was strikingly just like what many different ladies have shared with me prior to now.

Now look, I’m not attempting to color with a large brush. I understand that what I hear in my workplace isn’t consultant of everybody and due to this fact can’t be generalized to your entire inhabitants.

However I can let you know that based mostly on my private, unscientific observations, the problems ladies carry up in relation to love and romance and vastly completely different than what I hear from the lads.

And it’s these variations that served because the inspiration for at present’s podcast. Have you ever ever questioned what ladies actually say that need in a person – a minimum of to a therapist?

Properly, I’m about to share seven issues I’ve heard, behind the closed doorways of the counseling workplace. Once more, these are my observations and mine alone.

When you occur to be a therapist tuning in, you might be listening to one thing solely completely different, and don’t faux to be the top all be all in relation to this matter.

That stated, in making ready for at present’s present, I did seek the advice of with a bunch of 10 marriage counselors who – within the common sense – agreed with the themes I’m about to undergo.

OK, are you prepared?

Right here’s the primary one:

1. Intimacy.

No shock, proper? Properly, stick with me as a result of this one is likely to be completely different than what you’re pondering.

To backside line it, intimacy doesn’t at all times imply intercourse.  In lots of circumstances, it’s concerning the build-up, which comes within the type of affection.

And right here, I’m speaking concerning the act of consensual touching, like petting and holding. Do you know that if you contact your mate, it causes the discharge of mind chemical substances that assist to strengthen your bond? It’s true and I’ve linked to a bit in present notes from NPR that goes into the science.

And I’ll let you know that within the {couples} work I’ve completed, this specific problem – intimacy – is big as a result of the longer a relationship goes on, the much less steadily it sems to occur. On some stage, that is to be anticipated – little question about it. However the place I’ve seen the issues come up is the place there’s a void.

So, a query I’m going to ask you to consider is what’s your definition of intimacy? Does that definition resemble that of your mate’s?

Simply one thing to consider – let’s transfer to quantity two:

2. Depth and vary

At its core, depth and vary means having diversified pursuits and being OK with speaking about them throughout conversations.

As one marriage therapist I consulted with for this shared: “Girls like guys who’re OK with going past the floor stuff, like present occasions and sports activities.”

And guys, I’m right here to let you know that a lot of the males I’ve labored with are tremendous sensible – however purposely conceal this a part of themselves as a result of they assume received’t match a masculine assemble they’ve purchased into. Perhaps you’ll be able to relate?

However in case you’ve studied stoicism, you rapidly uncover {that a} wholesome a part of masculinity includes embracing our intelligence and pursuits.

I imagine it was Marcus Aurelius’ who stated: “These are the traits of the rational soul: self-awareness, self-examination, and self-determination. It reaps its personal harvest. It succeeds in its personal function.”

Are you into issues like historical past, science, or present occasions? If that’s the case, it’s OK to speak about them! What’s extra, it’s OK to be interested in subjects you aren’t conversant in. Know what I imply?

The thought right here is to toss all of that nonsense so many people are taught about what it’s to be a person and never turn out to be prisoners of the stereotype. The reality is depth and vary might be very enticing traits.

OK, let’s transfer on to quantity three:

3. Romance

So, that is one other one that’s excessive on the record. To start with levels of a relationship, a way of romance can occur nearly magically, relying on the chemistry.

However what I hear from ladies is that after the honeymoon interval ends, the romance fades. That is much more so for married {couples}.

I’ll always remember a consumer I as soon as labored with named Angela who advised me that after she moved in together with her boyfriend, the date nights got here to a tough cease.

I’m paraphrasing right here however she stated one thing like, “It simply felt like I had turn out to be simply one other factor in his life, as an alternative of one thing particular.

Properly, as you’ll be able to think about, they finally broke up.

My level in sharing this with you is to keep away from reaching for the auto-pilot swap. In different phrases, be aware of relational upkeep.

Do you take into account your self romantic? When you don’t, what might be completely different?

OK, in order that’s three.

Quantity 4 is:

4. Having a Goal.

You already know, it was only a few weeks in the past that I used to be working with a thirty-something 12 months outdated lady who advised me that she was having second ideas concerning the man she’s been courting.

Once I requested her why, she stated one thing like, “It simply looks as if he doesn’t know what he needs out of life.” After which she added, “I’ve at all times been drawn to males who’ve a way of the place they’re heading.”

In so some ways, function is linked to confidence, do know what I imply? When you consider the folks you’ve been drawn to, how excessive did function rank in your record? Did you discover it enticing? If the reply is sure, this will likely provide you with an concept of what I’m speaking about.

Are you aware your function? If the reply is not any, what are you doing to determine this out?

OK, let’s have a look at 5:

5. Having Objectives.

I’ll simply get to the underside line on this one and say that within the remedy workplace, ladies have shared with me they like males who’ve targets. And never simply targets within the summary, however concrete targets which can be actively being labored on.

The issue is a few of us are afraid to speak about our targets as a result of we expect concern it would make us sound foolish or silly.

However right here’s the factor.

Speaking about your targets demonstrates your mental curiosity and confidence. And hey, your targets don’t must be lofty. Examples is likely to be studying a brand new language or studying easy methods to cook dinner. You get my drift.

So, right here’s a query for reflection: What are your targets? If what they’re, do you retain them to your self or do you speak about them?

Simply meals for thought.

Let’s transfer on to 6, which is:

6. Validate however don’t repair.   

So, for this one – ladies have shared with me that they worth a person who actively listens and validates. Now which will sound easy sufficient but when we’re being brutally trustworthy, it’s not.

And right here’s why:

As males, we’re hard-wired to sort things. In different phrases, we’re programed to leap proper in and clear up issues as quickly as they pop up. There’s nothing fallacious with this and might come in useful.

However as so many ladies have advised me in remedy, “I don’t need my boyfriend to inform me easy methods to repair an issue. Typically, I simply want he’d hear and let me vent.”

And look, I get it. There are going to be occasions if you hear the identical points developing time and again and also you need to assist them clear up it.

In these circumstances, fairly than going into repair it mode, it might be useful to easily say:

It actually sucks you’re having to cope with this proper now. What can I do to be useful?

As a rule, what you’ll hear again is one thing like: No, I’m OK, however thanks for being right here to hear – it feels actually good to have your help.

If she does need your assist, she’ll doubtless ask you – and that’s the place you’ll be able to are available along with your concepts.

I hope that made sense. Haha, Let’s transfer on to the ultimate one.

7. Self-Care

Once you hear me say that time period, a few of you might be questioning what I’m speaking about? Properly, at its core, self-care means demonstrating that you simply worth your emotional and bodily wellness.

Now let me be actually clear right here. This DOES NOT imply that it’s worthwhile to seem like a bodybuilder or some health mannequin from Males’s Well being. That’s not what I’m suggesting in any respect.

As an alternative, I’m speaking about taking good care of your self wholistically as a result of it exhibits you worth your thoughts and physique.

What occurs all too usually in relationships, notably over the long run, is that folks use their relationship standing as an excuse to ditch self-care. The pondering goes one thing like this: Properly, I’m off the market now so I don’t must impress anybody.

And whereas there’s some fact there, we neglect that self-care is crucial to psychological well being and bodily well being. Briefly, if you handle your self, you’re doubtless going to be in a greater temper – and that’s going to affect a bunch of different areas, corresponding to your libido.

Now clearly you shouldn’t be doing this for another person. It must be for your self. However I believe you get my level. Self-care is horny. No less than that’s what I hear within the counseling workplace.

You already know, as I’m sharing this with you now, I’m reminded of a lady I labored with named Melissa who advised me that she stopped getting it on together with her husband as a result of every time they obtained busy, she ended up getting injured. The explanation? Her man by no means clipped his toenails.

At first, she use to remind him to do it – however after awhile she resented having to remind as a result of it began to really feel parental.

Does make sense? I’ll depart it there as a result of I sense you get the gist of it.

So, there you will have it guys – The 7 secrets and techniques ladies carry up in remedy about males. Oh, and hey – I can already right here a few of you saying, “However Dr. John – guys care about a few of those self same issues. It’s a two-way road.”

And right here’s my response – yep yep – I utterly agree. And that’s why within the close to future, I’ll be recording an episode on 7 Secrets and techniques Males Reveal About Girls With Their Therapist. When that pod comes out, I promise I’ll be referring again to what you’ve heard right here. However you’ll additionally hear about some main variations.

On a associated notice, I’d like to supply a useful resource to you proper now which may be useful. It’s a e-book known as: No Extra Mr. Good Man by Dr. Robert Glover and also you’ll discover a hyperlink to it in present notes on the Man Counseling weblog.

What I like about this learn is how the writer helps males to turn out to be extra assured of their id and present up authentically in relationships. It’s one thing I’ve advised to my very own sufferers as homework – and I hope you’ll take into account it too.

Now earlier than we transition to this week’s listener electronic mail, let’s do a fast recap of these secrets and techniques:

1. Intimacy on completely different ranges.

2. Have some depth and vary.

3. Romance issues.

4. Have a function.

5. Have some targets.

6. Validate however don’t repair.

7. Self-care is vital.

As you consider this record, what number of appeared like frequent sense? Which of them brought on you to pause and replicate?

BLOCK C: Skincare information

Hyperlink to free skincare information for males.

BLOCK D: Listener Electronic mail

This week’s listener electronic mail involves us from a person named Pedro who’s coping with a problem that I wager quite a lot of you’ll be able to relate to.

I’m going to provide the fundamentals of what he wrote, paraphrasing a bit to tug out the excessive lights. Are you prepared?

Test it out:

Hello, Dr. John,

I began subscribing to your podcast a couple of weeks in the past as a result of I used to be on the lookout for steerage. My drawback is that this: I’ve been single for years and have been utilizing the courting apps – it’s the one approach to meet folks round my location.

Currently, I’ve been having some self-doubt. I used to be courting somebody just lately for 3 months and the whole lot was going nice after which out of nowhere, she advised me she couldn’t’ date anymore. Apparently, she had an excessive amount of happening with work after which stated she wasn’t actually prepared for critical courting.

This habits occurs quite a bit, the place it looks as if issues are going effectively after which all of a sudden, they pull the plug. It was simply yesterday I went on a date, and the whole lot appeared prefer it was going nice. However once I obtained dwelling, she despatched me a textual content saying she didn’t really feel a connection.

Am I doing one thing fallacious? I’m placing myself on the market, and nothing appears to be working.

Thanks a lot,


Alrighty then – there’s Pedro’s electronic mail. And , as I learn the essence of what he despatched to me, I couldn’t assist however take into consideration how this specific problem appears to return up so steadily in remedy – and perhaps as a listener, you’ve struggled with this problem?

I’m going to go forward and browse to you what I despatched again to this listener, once more paraphrasing a bit.

Hello, Pedro,

Thanks a lot for subscribing to this podcast – it means quite a bit to me. First, let me tackle the smooth underbelly of what you’ve shared as a result of my sense is – a minimum of proper now – you feel defeated and down.

And I’ll be actual with you – it sucks if you put your self on the market and even make investments time in somebody, solely to later be advised one thing like, “Sorry – this isn’t a match” or “You’re a nice man however I’m on the lookout for one thing completely different.”

And since this podcast offers with Males’s points, I’m additionally going to say that rejection – as a result of that’s what we’re speaking about – hurts – quite a bit.

With all of that stated, I believe it’s essential to let you know that proper now – lots of people are going via Relationship App Fatigue, which is usually known as Swiper’s Fatigue. Primarily, courting app fatigue occurs when folks flip to the courting apps as a method of medicating emotions of isolation. And this has been notably true throughout the pandemic.

I’m not saying you’re doing this, however I’m suggesting that you could be be working into this with a few of the folks you’re interacting with.

And right here’s the deal – courting apps at present have nearly became a social media platform. I hate saying that however it’s true. Furthermore, they’ve created a dynamic whereby some folks assume, “If I simply swipe yet one more time, I’ll discover somebody higher.”

Actually, I lengthy for the times the place folks met one another in particular person and spontaneously, however that’s one other story.

I can share a couple of issues with you that I’ve advised to my shoppers. The primary is to consider taking a break from the apps. It doesn’t must be lengthy – like a month. The thought is to detox from all of it and clear your thoughts.

The second is to rethink your expectations. Are you happening the apps to satisfy “the one”? If the reply is sure, that’s high quality – however remember that not everybody on Tinder and Bumble is on the lookout for that. Oh positive, they might say that’s what they need – however many are simply on the lookout for one thing far more informal.

The third factor I’ll recommend – and it is a biggy, is to alter the main focus of your pondering. In different phrases, as an alternative of attempting to determine how one can get a woman to love you, flip the tables.

Ask your self if you find yourself on a date:

Am I drawn to this particular person? What do I really feel once I’m of their presence? Do I really feel like it is a match?

Discover these “I” statements. Are you able to see how doing it this manner can change the facility dynamic? As I’ve talked about earlier than on this podcast, notion is projection.

In closing, I simply need to add right here that lots of people get on these courting apps for private validation. In different phrases, they’ve turn out to be hooked on being pursued and use the apps as a method of boosting their shallowness. That will sound shallow however I’m simply being actual with you.

Pedro, I’m going to provide you a hyperlink to an article on the Man Counseling Weblog that provides 7 methods of dealing with courting app rejection. I hope you’ll test it out when you will have the possibility.

Thanks once more in your notice and I hope you replace us down the highway along with your state of affairs.


Dr. John

So, there you will have my response. I actually really feel for this listener as a result of it’s apparent to me that he longs for a significant, romantic connection.

Are you combating emotions of rejection? If the reply is sure, what might be completely different in your method?

BLOCK E: Closeout

So, did you discover the subjects we explored at present to be attention-grabbing? We lined quite a lot of territory – don’t you assume? First, we talked about 7 issues ladies carry up in remedy because it pertains to males. And as a part of the combo, there have been even a couple of questions thrown in for self-reflection.

However that wasn’t all.

We additionally talked about the issue of courting app fatigue and rejection – plus easy methods to change your thoughts set through the use of “I” statements. Shoot, I believe there was even a quote thrown in alongside the way in which from a well-known stoic. Did you catch it?

You already know, when you have discovered this podcast useful, I’d actually find it irresistible in case you hit that subscribe – or observe button. This manner, you’ll by no means miss one other episode.

And I’m simply going to return proper out and say it – I would like your assist with getting this podcast to develop organically in order that it will get in entrance of different males who would possibly profit from the fabric we discover right here. One of the simplest ways to do this is to depart a evaluate, notably a written one, wherever you is likely to be listening. Apparently, the extra individuals who depart opinions after which hit subscribe, the extra this present ranks increased within the listings. Are you able to assist me out? I’d actually admire it.

It was simply the opposite day {that a} listener XD left the next evaluate on Apple Podcasts:

“I really like this podcast – it opened my eyes quite a bit and self-evaluation is a should.”

See, it’s that form of factor that simply retains me motivated to report extra of those pods. So, thanks for that XD.

Do you know there’s a lot of methods to remain in contact? Yep, there positive is. You may cease by my web site, which is Guycounseling.com and there, you’ll discover tons of articles associated to Males’s points.

You too can join my publication. Simply search for the shape on the sidebar. Now right here’s the factor – I promise that I don’t ship out quite a lot of emails and every time I do shoot one thing out, it’s quick and candy.

You too can cease by one in every of my social media pages. I’m on Instagram at Man Counseling – and I’m additionally on Fb and Twitter on the identical deal with.

When you’d wish to have a query featured on the pod, be happy to ship me a message. Simply ship your electronic mail to  [mentioned in podcast] I promise that no matter you ship me will stay confidential and I received’t share it with anybody, until you give me permission.

Properly guys, there you will have it – one other present. Right here’s a fast shoutout to my sound engineer, Joel, with East Coast Studio.

Do not forget that intimacy is available in completely different kinds. Be aware of going into repair it mode with a companion. Don’t be afraid to look inward when assembly somebody new.

Take excellent care. I’m Dr. John, and this has been, one other episode of the Males’s Self Assist Podcast.

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